Solitude

They cleared me a few days ago to slowly start incorporating back into work. It just feels really good to finally be able to do something, anything. I started to become very frustrated a few days ago because no one seemed to have any answers on recovery from HAPE. There has been precedence, but without any recent large studies of the general population, the opinions on recovery are all over the map. The one prevailing universal opinion is that those who had it once are much more susceptible to get it again. I do understand that Medical has our best interests at heart, but it's difficult to be healthy again and not be able to do what you were hired to do.

After much reluctance and a day of pouting and being crabby, I’ve begun to assimilate once again into the McMurdo culture. I can’t explain the eagerness and desire to be working at Pole. It could be the fact that my mind has enveloped the idea since June and small deviations from that plan are frustrating. Or it could be that it is very difficult to find peace, quiet, and solitude at McMurdo. McMurdo seems to be the place where many people go who never wanted college to end. The North Dakota in me instinctively seeks out quiet and space in the midst of crowds and chaos. Living in Chicago for 10 years it’s hard to imagine how I could enjoy 5 million neighbors and how quiet and space would be easy to accomplish compared to 1,100 neighbors at McMurdo. In fact, it’s easier to find it in a larger environment. At any point I could choose to be alone in a coffee shop, bookstore, or on a walk as no one knows you and you won’t be disturbed. I don’t necessarily need the quiet to find peace and relaxation, I simply need anonymity. You lose yourself in the faces of strangers and find yourself in your fierce independence and desire for self-discovery. After you decompress in your solitude, you then have the choice to be social. At McMurdo, there are very few areas where you can sit and your thoughts not be disturbed. I now share my dorm room with 4 other girls and after living alone for the past 7 years I feel stressed and crowded. Since there are few lounges, only one coffee shop with limited hours, and one dining area, you are always running into someone. There is no such thing as a private phone call. You lose the choice of being alone or social and finding the balance of both. I’m starting to much prefer walking in 80F below wind chill to my crappy little 8x6 J-way space at the Pole compared to the constant comings and goings of my dorm room. At the Pole, there are many more nooks and crannies in which to hide and fewer people to hide in them. You then have the choice to come out of your Zen quietness and be social. In this sense, North Dakota is very similar to Chicago and the South Pole. You have the expanse to find your solace in a quiet field or a long drive and the choice to seek out the communal. You have the ability to customize the amount of each to fit your own personal diet.

I ran into someone recently coming back from Wintering over at the Pole. She was eager to get back to America after 7 months of total darkness and isolation. After living with only 64 people for that long she was frustrated with being in McMurdo for a day until her flight departed. She said it was just too crowded for her. I’ve determined that feeling “crowded” isn’t necessarily in the number or population of people in an area, but the lack of choice in being alone or social when you need to. Since they cleared me to start working again, I finally found my solitude in quietly retreating to a corner of the galley to dice up 200 lbs of chicken. No one bothered me for hours.