Emotions

Feb 2, 1007
-29.3 C (-20.7 F)
Wind chill: -42.7 C (-44.9 F)
Wind: 12.7 knots

Cooking lobster on girl day in the galley.

I have been very bad at updating my blog lately. The truth is, not much has been really going on here. We all fell into our routines after the holidays and time started traveling really fast! The winter-overs began taking their R & R leave of a week at McMurdo before the isolation of the winter sets in. People have been switched around in the various shifts at the galley so now I’m working with those who previously worked nights. It’s nice since these are friends I haven’t really gotten to know before because of our different work schedules.

Now that we are beginning the transition from summer to winter, things are becoming very strange at the South Pole. Those of us who are leaving are busy making plans and arrangements for life after the Ice. Those who are staying are getting eager to have us gone so they can dive into the quietness of a community of 50-60 people and their winter routines.

I volunteered to be on the last flight out for the season and therefore have been given a leave date of February 17. There is the potential that 20 or so people may stay behind a few extra days to accomplish more work. If that happens, those people may get as little as a 3 hour notice to depart the Pole. The Air Guard will monitor the weather and if they anticipate it dropping below their -50 C minimum to land, they will whisk the remaining summer personnel out. I also volunteered to stay behind if they need additional support in the galley and would therefore be one of those remaining 20 summer people.

I have very mixed emotions now that my time at Pole is close to ending. I have friends leaving as early as tomorrow and I am sad to say goodbye. The majority of them will leave Pole a week or earlier than me. By the time I get to Cheech, most of them will have moved on with their travel plans. I’m also sad to say goodbye to my winter-over friends that I will leave behind. Leah, our summer DA, just received a contract for a winter materials person and will now stay behind. I remember talking to her when we first met in Denver and discussing that she only packed 23 lbs of personal gear for 4 months. (I utilized all 75 lbs of my allotted gear weight.) Now she’s staying an additional 7. Neal, who is a cook in MacTown and I met in Denver during orientation, has been offered the winter-over sous chef position at Pole. He was here for a week in January becoming acclimated and will return this week. Francie has known she’d be wintering from the beginning. She and I are extremely similar in our personalities, places in our lives, and working styles in the kitchen and has become a great friend. I’m certain I’ll be receiving tons of stories from her winter.

The winter-overs from last season have returned. Many of them were on my medi-evac flight and doted over me when I was sick in MacTown. It’s very strange to see them again on the other side of things when I’m leaving and they’re staying. I find it interesting that most of them are bothered by how many people are here. They find it crowded with a population of 263. My friends who went on R & R said MacTown with a population of 1200 felt as huge as New York City.

In amongst the sadness of goodbyes I’m very excited to experience green grass, real potatoes, and good coffee. I’m excited to travel New Zealand before returning home. I’m extremely excited to see my friends and family again and be able to tell them all my stories in person. The biggest sadness comes from saying goodbye to Antarctica. Since I’ve gotten here I’ve wondered why some people return year after year. It’s definitely not for the money as most positions don’t pay that much. I watched a movie last week put together about our summer on the Ice and I actually realized that part of me has fallen in love with the South Pole. The beauty and quietness is unparalleled anywhere else on Earth. It’s hard to say goodbye to a place that you realize you may never see again.

There are very few experiences that you enter into knowing you’ll be a different person on the other side. Most of the time life changing events aren’t planned or expected – they hit you out of the blue. I went into this knowing I’d be changed and I was really curious how. I think that I’ll change more after the Ice than while I was on it. I can already sense a greater appreciation for colors and smells of the outdoors, a strong sense of the vulnerability of life, and an immense aptitude for the human strength that lies in each of us. Antarctica has furthered proven to me that ALL of us are capable and stronger of much more than we think or realize that we are.

Eli and I very proud of our lobster feast we made on girl day this past week.

Francie made an interesting observation early on in the summer. She noted that all the women at Pole seemed to be extremely strong women. We are strong in spirit, in voice, and in confidence. Another friend noted that the system unintentionally screens for such people. After all, how many people would accept a position at the South Pole, Antarctica unless they had a strong sense of self and were like minded. It has taken time to find our like-mindedness as we are very diverse and sometimes it’s hard to see a common ground. Nonetheless, we have all thoroughly enjoyed being surrounded by such confident and purposeful friends and have benefited from each other’s strengths. There are very few environments in the world in which you’re entirely surrounded by so much inner strength. I’ve met women who are ex-Marines and ex-Army and women who’ve climbed real and corporate mountains all over the world.

Antarctica is not a place for those who are in an emotional transition in their lives. I’ve met many people who come here to get away from their recent divorce, death in the family, or bad break-up. You may be able to summer in such a transition because of the short season, but I’ve seen summer people’s winter-over contracts be rescinded because they weren’t in a strong place in their lives. One of the universal truths seems to be even more evident in Antarctica: Wherever you go there you are. No matter how far you run, you can never run from yourself. Many people think Antarctica is the perfect place to run from a situation when, in fact, here you are running directly into it. Life is broken down into the absolute basics of work, sleep, and eat. You have no distractions to keep you from dealing and focusing on your inner anguish and despair. I’ve met people who aren’t prepared for this and become very self destructive.

Many people have asked me why I came here. I really don't have an answer. The best I can come up with was that I was too comfortable in my life in Chicago. I had everything, really great friends, a good job, a great apartment overlooking Lake Michigan, and I had just purchased myself a 43" HD plasma for my last birthday. I felt a strong urge that I needed more of a challenge. I wanted less stuff and more substance. I was in a rut, but not a negative rut -- one in which everything was going my way. I wanted to push myself and free myself. After living 10 years in Chicago, I needed a push out of my comfort zone in order to fill my desire to discover more about myself and the world. When this opportunity presented itself despite all the scariness of it, I seized the opportunity. I sold almost everything I had. Granted, this feat is entirely easier to do with no obligations of a mortgage, husband, or children.

Freedom is a very scary thing. It's scary when you don't really have a plan and don't know where you're going and all you're riding on is a strong sense of self and a wonderful support system. I can work myself up into nauseas anxiety if I think about it too much. After all, I'm the planner-type. Not knowing is scary. I need to continuously turn my thoughts around into not having a plan equals opportunity. With no preconceived notion of where I'll go or what I'll do next I'm open to the scariness but also open to go anywhere, do anything, and grow exponentially.

I love quotes and collect those that inspire me.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

-- Marianne Williamson